Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
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[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
one last job
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.