Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
i made a craigslist ad !
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car