[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
dictator is short for richard potato
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”