Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
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*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I need this for my side hustle.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Inside you there are two wolves
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Childbirth is so beautiful
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.