My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
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Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I’m too immature for adultery.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.