Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
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*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.