Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
You Might Also Like
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???