“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
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Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please