Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
You Might Also Like
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.