Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?