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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Everything reminds me of my ex
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
groan^2
no their not
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?