Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
why no one uses midhusbands
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen