Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
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[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Just me and my debit card against the world
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.