me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
You Might Also Like
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Just a friendly reminder!
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Twitter remains undefeated
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money