Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
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If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜