That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
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Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.