The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.