rise and shine we got egg
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judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
When someone trying to leave me
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I think this cat is broken
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!