Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
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This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.