Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
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Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.