I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
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Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away