To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
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HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.