I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
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I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids