He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
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Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Dietest Coke