Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.