when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
You Might Also Like
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right