Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.