My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
You sure about that?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.