Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
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My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer