journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
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things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Sign of the day..
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming