I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
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[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.