*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
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Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
guys I’m going home
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
The USS B port
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.