Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
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You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.