Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I need to get some bricks…
Pot warmers of the day.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Breaking news:
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.