when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
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I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET