FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
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Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
notice
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”