DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
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The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”