16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
You Might Also Like
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Need WebMD
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.