My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
You Might Also Like
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Never forget.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.