Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I know this now 😂
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Hot Hot Hot
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate