Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
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God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays