#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.