Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
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Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny