My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Tough love is true love
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok