Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
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I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Always the camel, never the toe.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.