Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
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*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.