I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
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No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.