My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
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I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.