Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
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It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d