Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
You Might Also Like
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
The Weeknd is back
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Is this you?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died